Bubblehammerblog

 Axolotl, Quirky Pet.

I sometimes took my grandson Snorri into a petshop in town. He was always after a snake. I wouldn't dream of discouraging such a desire. The shop had some very hansome ones. It didn't say on the tank what tribe of snake they were, but they were thin, dark, elegant, and had striking yellow eyes with a haughty stare. I told Snorri when he asked me they were Ladder Snakes. ' “The only snake in the world capable of climbing ladders.”

The shop wanted 75 quid apiece for the snakes. The price sticker was small and too high up for Snorri to make out, so I told him they were 475 quid each.

 'Out of the question', I said sadly. 'Barefaced extortion. We'll go up to Wadsley Common next week and catch a Grass Snake with a cardboard box and a toasting fork.'

 At seven years old Snorri was beginning to develop his first inkling of the Iron Laws of economics; he'd grasped that ￡475 was a sum of money remote from the wake-time experience of his being-in-the-world. He already knew these things. In a supermarked I once asked him, “What if things didn't have prices?” Of course, his only answer was silence.

 As we were leaving the shop I spotted a tank on the sales counter filled with murky green water, in which were swimming franticly many small newt like creatures about 4 cm long. We both looked more closely at them and they had growing from their heads long fern like fronds, like tribal headdresses. A crudely scrawled notice taped to the tank said:

 AXOLOTL. Quirky mexican reptile. 10£ EACH.

 Snorri wanted one. I wanted one. Snorri suggested getting two, just one on his own might get lonely. I bought one, with the understanding that should the creature begin to show signs of brooding or melancholy I would come back to the shop and get another.

 I asked the spotty youth behind the counter as he was netting our Axolotl what they ate.

 'Little insects, worms, owt like that', he said without moving his face or lips.

We filled a tank, put a water filter in it, some pebbles and rocks were strewn about the bottom, and in went the Axolotl. He sank to the bottom of the tank, steadied himself on some gravel with his fingers, and remained in that position, seeming never to stir, for perhaps a week. Were you to take a magnifying glass, as Snorri and I did, and look carefully at the features about his tiny green and yellow eyes, it was possible to make out a countenance that spoke of abject bafflement. 'He's away with the Water Fairies', I explained to Snorri, 'Enchanted.'

All kinds of appropriately sized insects were dropped alive into the Axolotl tank, it was Summer and there were lots around. I drew the line at any kind of insect butchery to feed the Axolotl, so no tearing off of wings, not even chopping up of worms. Eventually he began to snap up, crocodille fashion, at great speed, wriggling millipedes, little worms and centipedes. When he became larger it was a particularly perverse delight to witness the crunching sound that resulted from the Axolotl flashing to the surface to snatch whole a whirligigging centipede. The Axolotl became larger.

 Obviously, a couple of days after parting with my ten quid for the Axolotl I typed the word into DuckDuckGo. If you want, you could enter the term into the search engine of your choice.

 I learned some interesting things:

Axolotls are the juvenile stage of a Salamander, like a tadpole is to a frog.

 They can remain in this juvenile state for 15 – 25 years.

 They can grow to over 30cm long.

 Some people try to get them to turn into Salamanders, it is very difficult.

 Mexicans farm them to eat. Fried.

 The Summer is long gone, it's Spring and the Axolotl is about 15cm long. Has a new tank twice the size of the old one. During the Winter I had to dig, sometimes by lantern at night, deep into the frozen compost heap for worms. He simply lurks around rocks most of the time. Then suddenly becomes aggressive, trying to leap out of the tank, perhaps to get at you. You wouldn't want to put your hand into his tank.

Snorri has lost interest in the Axolotl's existence, suspects him of being an employee of Satan.

 When the Axolotl was around 8cm long I called back at the shop that had sold him to me. I didn't, of course have him with me, since by that time catching the Axolotl was not unlike chasing a piglet around a pen, or getting hold of a butter coated weasle.

 It was the same youth behind the counter. The tank of young Axolotls was no longer there. I bought some goldfish flakes, not wishing to give the impression that I had come solely to talk about Axolotls.

 'All the Axolotls gone then?' I ventured casually.

 'Aye, went quick them.'

Plop.

 'One you sold me three months back is a foot long now.' I was smiling pleasantly. 'Vicious anall. Bit my little lad's finger as he were droppin in a dead mouse to feed it.'

I'd been standing before the counter for about five minutes, in that time the youth's face had not shown the remotest flicker of expression. His acne, I noticed had become fiercer. Clearly, he had no inkling of the implications of what I'd told him. I pushed on without hope.

 'In another three months that Axolotl will be two feet long. It'll be able to batter it's way out of the tank. It could go for my little lad or eat parts off his three month old sister.'

 'Never eard on owt like that appnin', he mumbled.

 'Manager in?'

 'Gone to Ecclesbeck. E'll be back t lock up at six like.'

 I put one of my bogus business cards on the counter, Klaus Bubblehammer Phd. Pataphysician, and jabbed my finger at it.

 'Tell your gaffer that gentleman there will be making enquiries about the legality of peddling vicious flesh-eating reptiles to seven year old children. Press would have a feeding frenzy tell him.'

 The youth gazed at the card without interest and sort of nodded his head. I could've told him that simple calamine lotion with a few drops of oil of peppermint is the most effective remedy for acne, but chose not to, turned and left.

 The petshop never tried to contact me. They're perhaps waiting for me to make a further move. So far I've let it go. Today the Axolotl has been with us for about eight months, and he, (I presume he's a he), continues to grow. Snorri barely glaces at him. Most nights I go out into the garden with a lantern, or better still under a full moon, and dig up fat worms for him. There don't seem to be many centipedes about.

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