Bubblehammerblog

With the leaves falling off the trees the Channel Five signal has begun to reach my satellite dish. You may be one of the millions of people who doesn't watch this channel, so you'll be unaware that it specialises in shows about the police, including American dramas like the CSI franchise, & various 'reality' police action shows. I sat through one last night called Police Interceptor, mainly because I'd shovelled down too much mutton stew, & couldn't get off the setee to switch it off.

Police Interceptor is about a group of overweight Essex scuffers, one of them amusingly called Spongebob, who tear up & down dual carriageways in Subaru Imprezzas chasing motorists & pulling them over to question them.

There's a particularly smarmy commentary in a chirpy Southern accent that constantly reminds us of the 'professionalism' of Spongebob & his pals. Policemen, & I've met lots of them, rarely have much in the way of personality, so the irritating commentary is probably needed to compensate for the dullness of the exchanges between the coppers as they speed from one interception to the next.

In last night's episode the use of the Automatic Numberplate Recognition (APR) system was demonstrated. The APR had flagged a vehicle that was on record as having connections with drug dealing. It was a red Ford Fiesta. Hang on a minute, I thought through the fug of mutton stew, I've known many drug dealers, but I've never come across one who would be caught dead from an overdose in a Ford Fiesta.

The red Ford Fiesta must have been of special interest to the Essex Constabulary, because it immediately becomes a major operation, deploying no less than four cars, with a senior officer co-ordinating, to chase it down. Tension builds as the fleet of police cars speeds through the night, exchanging terse bursts of radio contact. The professionalism of this team is evident. Eventually, the rear lights of Fiesta come into view ahead, & it's 'Go go go, go go go', as the car is simultaneously forced onto the hard shoulder, & its escape is blocked by a second Imprezza. Spongebob & his partner leap briskly from their vehicle & pull open both front doors of the Fiesta.

As I for some reason expected, the Fiesta contains two skinny youths, who blink in confusion as they're roughly dragged from their car & pushed against a wall. Their car smells of cannabis, Spongebob tells them, & it's going to be searched.

Not surprisingly, one of the youths decides to start swearing at Spongebob, calling him a dickhead. But as the commentary helpfully informs us, Spongebob has received special training in dealing with bad language from the public.

Listen children, I've received instruction, (not training, dogs & horses get training), in counter-interrogation techniques from a certain militant organisation which will remain nameless. You must resist the impulse to gob off at the police. Remain cheerfully polite, even appear helpful, but say nothing. Do not attempt to lie. If they try to use your first name, politely insist that they call you either Sir, or Mr O'Donnell, Mr Mohammad, or whatever. Politely refuse any offers of fags, or cups of tea. Try to smile.

After a prefunctory search of their car, revealing nothing, the two lads were handcuffed & taken to the police station. There they were intimately searched, from which the camera mercifully spares us, & we merely see Spongebob pulling on a pair of white plastic gloves. While Spongebob & his partner probe the youth's arseholes, another police detail ransacks their Fiesta. Nothing at all is found. After many hours the miserable skinny youths are released without charge.
The commentary breezily tell us that more than half of all such interceptions are like the one we have witnessed, & result in no suspicious finds or convictions.

So let's recap. Four expensive cars, containing eight stout police officers, including a senior officer on a very handsome salary, are deployed to chase & detain two undernourished youths in a clapped out vehicle. Half a police shift is spent searching & questioning the youths on the basis of the suspicion that the youths might have smoked cannabis in their car. The eight officers, professionals all, express no regrets whatsoever at this total waste of time & resources. After their encounter the youths will understandably conclude, for future reference, that all police are bullies & cunts.

Dear Member of the Public, do you think this is a suitable way to spend taxpayer's money? If you can get Channel Five, see the next episode of Police Interceptor.

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